The Truth
by bamftastik
Summary: Bucky finally tells Natasha the truth about what happened when she was taken by Leo Novokov… and about what they were before. (Takes place after Black Widow #18)


"You're going to have to move, you know." Looking down at the cat in her lap, Natasha gave her a scratch behind the ear.

Liho yawned lazily and stretched, making no move to get up. The sun was setting over the water, its reflection rippling on the horizon. The only sound was the creaking of the boat's sails, the cool breeze blowing through her hair. It would be colder once night fell. She needed to get a sweater, whether her traveling companion liked it or not.

"Come on." She picked up Liho and set her on the deck. "Not all of us have fur."

The cat padded along behind her as Natasha descended into the cabin. It was peaceful here, out on the open water; it was everything she had thought she wanted, but three weeks at sea had left her grateful for the company. She'd made stops, of course, trading at the islands that she passed, taking on supplies and listening for news. It was a simple existence. But she had never been simple.

A Glock 26 rested on the table beside her bunk, between a hairbrush and a tube of sunscreen. There were two more stashed up on deck and a blade strapped to her thigh beneath her sundress. You could never be too careful, even here.

Grabbing a sweater from her bag she froze, listening. She could hear the water sloshing against the hull, the sails straining against the wind. She stretched a hand toward the gun.

Something moved in the cabin behind her and she lunged, bringing the gun up as she whirled. He stepped slowly from the shadows, his hands upraised.

"Barnes."

"Hey, Nat."

She stared at him along the barrel, then lowered it. "How did you…?"

"You stopped for supplies this afternoon. I snuck aboard."

"You were following me." She set the gun back on the table.

"I heard you might not be coming back."

With a sigh, she turned away, sinking onto the bunk. "I need time."

For a moment it looked as though he was going to come and sit beside her, but he hesitated. "That's good. I understand that. I'm not here to stop you."

"Then why _are_ you here? You've been following me for months. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the help, but I don't—"

"Need me?" He smiled. "I know. That was never how it worked."

"Bucky… I've seen the way you look at me. I know you might think—"

"This isn't about that." He shook his head, staring down at his hands. "I just… There's something that you need to know."

She'd seen the man outnumbered, outgunned. She'd seen him infiltrate a moving train and singlehandedly take out a helicopter. But this was the first time she'd ever seen the Winter Soldier afraid.

"What?"

It was a long moment before he answered, before he met her eyes. "What happened to you, with Leo Novokov…"

Natasha stood. "I know what happened to me. I know what I did."

"No, you don't."

"Trust me, I've been over it. I can't _stop_ going over it. Fury, Sitwell…"

"It wasn't your fault." He took a step toward her.

"That doesn't change what I—"

"It wasn't your fault. It was _mine_." He was standing close now, his eyes locked to hers.

Natasha shook her head. "You were on the team that brought me back. You saved me."

"Did you ever ask yourself why Novokov chose you? You, specifically?"

"He knew I was an asset. That I could be… turned."

"It was more than that." Barnes scowled, as though the words pained him. "He came after you… to hurt me."

"Why would he—?"

"But I meant what I said. It's not about that. Not anymore. I know it's too late. I know it's my fault. But you deserve to know the truth." He reached for her hand, but then let his arm drop to his side. "Nat… I _lied_ to you. I convinced _everyone_ to lie to you."

She took a step back. "What?"

"When the docs brought you back, there were some… things, some parts of your mind that Leo had permanently erased. They wanted to keep working, keep screwing with your head. I couldn't watch that, not again. So I made them stop. I made everyone lie. I told myself it was for your own good, that I was protecting you… but I know what it's like to live with parts of yourself missing, I know what it's like to try and pick up the pieces without knowing why." He turned his face away. "But I get it now. I know that it wasn't my choice to make."

"Barnes, what are you—?"

Reaching into his pocket, he handed her an envelope. She moved to take it but he held it firm, leaning close to look her in the eye. "I want you to know that I mean it. You're going to think this is selfish. And maybe it is. But I've _seen_ you, Nat. You're adrift. You think you can't be happy, that you just don't have it in you. But you can. You were once. At least I think you were. You… you have a home. And I just thought you deserve to know that."

With that, he let her take it, but when she slipped a finger beneath the flap, he turned away.

"Don't open it while I'm here. I… I'll go."

"Where? We're in the middle of nowhere."

He nodded to the porthole, to the lights of a nearby island visible in the distance. "Nice night for a swim."

"Really? Don't be stupid."

He smirked down at the envelope in her hand. "Wouldn't be the dumbest thing I've ever done. But that's where I'll be if you want to… I just mean I'll stick around for a while. Maybe work on my tan or something."

"You don't have anywhere else to be?"

"No. I really don't."

Barnes turned to go, stopping short when he found Liho rubbing against his ankle.

"She likes you."

He smiled at that, bending to scratch the cat behind the ear. Then he was gone.

Inside the envelope she found a flash drive and a folded photograph. The photo was worn, faded and deeply creased. When she opened it, she winced. Her own face smiled back at her, her arm slung around Barnes' shoulder. They were in Avengers tower; she could see Clint and Maria looking on in the background. But it was a moment she didn't remember, a gaping hole opening beneath her where they memory should be. Her friends had been there. They'd been there and hadn't mentioned it. And Barnes, they looked… close.

With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she pulled her laptop from her bag and inserted the flash drive. It contained a single video file. She clicked it and let the image fill the screen.

A man was sitting up in bed, his chest bare above the covers. At first she didn't recognize him. His face was clean-shaven, his hair shorter and tousled by sleep, but it was the grin that had confused her. It was wide, almost boyish, his eyes shining into the camera with a light she'd never seen. This was Bucky Barnes… and he was _happy_.

"So… Captain America…" The camera shifted awkwardly as the speaker moved. She knew that voice but, like Barnes, there was a lightness to it that made it almost sound a stranger's.

Barnes laughed and raised a hand, shoving her playfully away. "Stop it. Shut it off."

"You're going to have to get used to it, James."

"I know. But not now. You don't think there are better things we could be doing?"

"I don't know." The frame moved closer as the speaker slid across the bed toward him. She slipped a leg over his lap, forcing him to lay back amongst the pillows as she knelt above him. Then she panned down to his chest, zooming in before moving slowly back up to his face. "I'm having a good time."

The camera shook violently as Barnes grabbed her and pulled her down on top of him. This time her laughter mingled with his.

"Turn it off."

"Make me."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Natasha watched as the camera moved again, this time held above them, showing both Barnes and the woman lying beside him. She kissed him deeply, still holding the camera just out of reach. One of his hands flailed for it distractedly, but then he upped his game, his lips moving to her neck.

The last thing Natasha saw before the camera switched off was her own face, her laughter echoing as she threw her head back against the pillows.

She closed the laptop, staring down at it. Was she stunned? Angry? She should feel something, but she just felt… empty. He'd said what he wanted to tell her would seem selfish. But he'd said something else, said that he wanted her to know she had the capacity for happiness. She hadn't always been this way. He wanted to give her hope… while _he_ had given up.

She was running then, climbing the stairs back up to the deck. The sun had set, the rippling waters lit by a round, pale moon. Barnes was gone. She was alone again.

Liho rubbed against her leg, purring a question. Crouching beside her, Natasha scratched behind her ear and stared out across the empty waters.

* * *

"James."

She found him sitting alone on the beach, a bottle in the sand beside him. In the distance fishermen hawked their wares, cajoling the few morning tourists who milled around a small beach front café. He glanced up at her approach, making no effort to hide his disbelief. But more than anything he looked tired.

Natasha gestured to the bottle. "Isn't it a little early?"

He shrugged. "Call it a vacation." He fixed his eyes on the sand. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Yeah?" She sat down beside him. Picking up the bottle, she took a long drink. "But it looks like I've missed a few things. I was hoping you might fill me in."


End file.
